Two and a Half Shinigami
by CrayonCalendar
Summary: Renji's in trouble again as he struggles to find a place to stay for the night. Meanwhile in the Human World, Ichigo is troubled with his surprisingly new life and a baby. AU
1. A Thoughtful Mistake

**_Two and a Half Shinigami_**

* * *

><p><em>The following takes place two years or so after the defeat of Aizen at the hands of Ichigo Kurosaki. After this, Ichigo was the talking point of Seireitei. It seemed that everyone knew about him and what he had accomplished. He was the undoubted hero of Soul Society. <em>

_So much had happened in the last 3 years; conspiracy, mass murder, treason; it seemed that the governing body of Seireitei was collapsing in on itself. _

_But that time was over now, shinigami alike took this time of momentary peace to return home, and spend time with their families. This was also the perfect time for shinigami to talk and fuss over unimportant matters, or to pursue relationships…_

**Chapter 1: A Thoughtful Mistake**

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><p>"Oh my god", Rukia started. "Are you serious?"<p>

Renji looked up curiously from his paper at what seemed to be Rukia summoning demonic flames around her.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" she shouted.

"U-uh, yeah…" Renji replied feebly.

"Then what did I say before, baka!" she now yelled, intruding Renji's personal space while raising her eyebrow directly at him.

"U-uh, you said something like… '_Oh my god, are you serious?" _Renji laughed and nudged Rukia at his own very girlish impersonation of her, but that brief moment of sarcasm ended when his eyes met with her deadly cold gaze.

"No, before that! And I hope to god you don't make me repeat it!" she barked, now scrunching the morning paper still attached to Renji's hands.

When Rukia was pissed off she was on top of the world. She was naturally a kind, caring, nice person but it was only just a sugarless tea away for her personality to take a total shift these days. This alternate personality of hers could best be compared to a grizzly bear with a bear trap clenched to its butt. Renji knew that he had to say something to avoid _another_ near death experience. If people pondered on what he meant by "another_"_ he'd just say "_You'd have to be there_".

"You had said something, my dear?" Renji recovered, propping up his scrunched paper like it was still readable. He wasn't sure why he had incorporated another impersonation, this time of Sasakibe Chojiro; the first lieutenant.

There was a momentary silence.

_Uh-oh, shit, I'm going to get it now. _

Renji crawled up in his chair, hands covering his face in defence; only to feel or hear nothing as seconds passed. He looked back at the now smiling Rukia, releasing his pose slowly but cautiously.

"Renji", she spoke calmly, ignoring Renji's brief display of stupidity. "Do you remember what day it is today?"

"Uuh…"

_Crap there's a special kind of day today? It has to be something important … or maybe not since she's been like this lately. Crap, crap, gotta think quickly._

"is… is it Happy Day?" answered Renji as he then smiled.

* * *

><p>There was a huge crashing sound heard in one of Soul Society's many residential areas. Of the crash it seemed that a red haired Shinigami, probably with some kind of elevated rank was being thrown out of his house with a very aggravated women; throwing furniture and belongings at him profusely.<p>

* * *

><p><p>

"**HAPPY DAY**, huh!" Rukia yelled out catching the ear of everyone in the neighbourhood. "You forget the most important day of our lives and your best excuse is _"HAPPY DAY"!_

"Honey…" Renji eased, but being interrupted.

"I don't ever want to see you again! Your lazy, you never help or do anything around the house-"

"But it is my house" Renji stated reflexively.

"Yeah your house that I have been cleaning for almost a year now, oh wait_, EXACTLY A YEAR NOW_. Go away Renji, I don't EVER want to see you again!" she wailed, running into their bedroom now sobbing. Also, insight of the neighbours, as half of Renji's house's wall was now smashed open.

Renji sighed inwardly. _Damn it! How could I have forgotten. Our anniversary. _

She slammed the door closed, and the crowd that had started to assemble, turned their attention on Renji. _Tch._

"Honey…" Renji eased again, stepping over his destroyed wall into a now trashed kitchen.

"**GO AWAY!**" roared Rukia. The crowd and Renji both flinched, jumping back slightly at the might of her roar.

Renji stopped and sighed. He sat down on the only chair that was standing up, noticing the bunch of people still looking at him.

"What?" he yelled, pointing a fist at them. The people retreated scornfully, leaving Renji to reflect on his own stupidity.

_…This is bad. Our first anniversary… ending like this. If I had remembered I would have bought her a gift while she was out… Out of all the anniversaries I could have forgotten in the future, it had to be the first one. It's hard to say if there even is a future._

In thought, Renji then yawned violently and suddenly realised another problem at hand.

_Where am I going to sleep?.. Rukia is held up in my bedroom, and I doubt she would let me in. Crap, problem after problem… _

He stood up fixing his kitchen up a bit until he heard a troubled Rukia.

"Renji," she pleaded. "Please leave me alone." Renji just listened in, not completely sure what to do.

"If you're not going to take our marriage seriously, how are we supposed to have a meaningful marriage that would last centuries?" Renji thought about this for a while, thinking of replying but his guilt overshadowing it.

"Like when was the last time you did something romantic for me?" she asked. Renji searched his mind for an applicable time he was romantic, but to no avail. She was right on the money.

"Yeah, I see your point" Renji replied contemplatively. There was another silence, this time a lot longer than usual but not awkward for him, like the calm after a storm.

"You know what…" Renji continued, reaching for a conclusion. "You rest easy Rukia, I'll sleep somewhere else for tonight. And in that time… I will try and become a better husband." Rukia snickered at this but other than that made no attempt to intervene.

"I promise, I'll… eh, figure out what's distancing us… or what's wrong with me... in the meantime just sleep and relax. I'll be back, when I find an answer… I promise…?" Renji announced, a confused look on his face. _W-What did I just say?_

He shook his head and then grinned, asserting, "Anyway, I'll leave ya to it", later realising how stupid he must have looked grinning at a door.

Renji disdainfully left his house, walking out the ever-convenient destroyed wall onto the swirl-patterned stone pavement outside, littered with his stuff. He didn't bother picking it up since most of it was broken anyway.

_…Great, now where am I going to sleep?_

As he left, Rukia, sitting and leaning on against door heard the grunt of Renji's grin. She smiled at the fact that he would have looked stupid grinning at the wall, and even though his conclusion sounded lame she accepted it. "It was Renji after all" she murmured.

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><p><p>

_Two and a half years ago in the Human World…_

_The blades aura and surroundings started to darken dramatically as he finally figured out the reason for all the fighting. He held the power that shut and severed everything in its path. Objects or life, the blade severed the bond it had with reality, its own existence and shut it completely like an eternal eclipse. A truly horrific power capable of overwhelming even the strongest shinigami in an instant. All let out in a single devastating blow. Of course, great power like that has to have great consequences as the wielder, forever, would lose that very power._

- - - - - "w…wakin…"

"Get Ch… nd Ury_" _

**_Where am I?_**

"O… Ichi…"

**_Inoue?_**

"Hah… so he... cided to… nally get up"

**_Get up?_**

**"**Mayb… e's just being lazy"

**_Dad?_**

"Oh Chad's here… give him a little nudge, he might recuperate faster hehe, oh and don't worry about hurting him, my boy's more hard-headed than he looks_"_

**_I can fully hear their voices n-N-UUUOUGHH._**

Chad elbowed directly into Ichigo's abdomen causing the bed he was laying on to literally snap in half. The stands supporting the bed buckled and shot out in multiple directions, one of those painfully hitting Ichigo's dad in the shin.

"Ah, you piece of shit Ichigo!" Isshin Kurosaki barked, as if it had been his son's fault.

"Are you fucking insane!" Ichigo yelled, being broken out of his lull violently.

"…Sorry" replied Chad in his usual courteous tone, possibly withholding a grin. Isshin, his dad, grabbed Ichigo by the collar before he could speak any further.

"Listen here son, I won't repeat this…" Ichigo's temper faintly dropped as he looked at his father.

His memory of all that had happened was a little bit hazy. To him it felt like a dream, but deep down inside he knew it wasn't. It was all real. All he had done. He was a hero, but didn't think of himself as one. The feeling was truly bizarre. He remembered seeing his father in the battle but he still had trouble reconstructing it.

"Y-yeah…" Ichigo replied in thought, keen to listen to what his father had to say. His father made a grunt as he connected his fist to his son's chin, launching him into the wall behind his bed, mere inches away from the window. It was a glorious uppercut.

"Jesus Christ… is that what you wanted to say!" yelled Ichigo limping out of the crevasse now embedded in his wall. Before he had time to say another word or react for that matter, his father jumped in, elbow high up in the air as he slammed it down on the back of Ichigo's head, resulting in a devastating faceplant through the floorboards below.

"No, I wanted to say "how come you've gotten so weak Ichigo"! Also, how dare you make us worry about you! Do you even know how long you've been asleep for, stupid kid!" yelled Isshin now laughing. He truly was a great father.

"…Uh, don't you think that's a bit too much dad?" Yuzu popped her head in the room worriedly with Uryuu and Karin beside her. Already Orihime Inoue, Yasutora Chad and her father were in the room with a very vulnerable looking Ichigo on the ground trying to get his stuck head out of the floorboards. "He did just get up..."

"Don't worry sweety, that's nothing for our hero Ichigo" assured Isshin giving a 'thumbs up' to Yuzu and the others.

"Pfft, you could have knocked him unconscious again." Karin remarked, unpleased with her father's antics as she walked in with a tray of food.

"Well… Ichigo's dad behaves rather like a wild animal." commented Ishida with his ever so familiar tone of sarcasm. "I guess they truly are related after all." Chad nodded.

Isshin ignored this comment; probably because he was too busy showboating his muscles to his two daughters and a very horrified looking Inoue.

Ichigo then managed to get his head out of the floor, his expression nearly as bright as his hair.

"You!" Ichigo growled menacingly, as he kicked his father in the back of his head, knocking him onto the floor. Everyone in the room startled, especially Inoue who covered her mouth with her hands. Ichigo was burning brightly with rage.

"Why do you seriously keep up that _'I'm a goofy uncool father that keeps beating his son up'_ act, you lousy bastard! I know you're really serious in the _inside_!" yelled Ichigo, now regaining his composure. Isshin jumped back on to his feet like very much like a monkey, sizing his one and only son up.

"Hmm," he mumbled, scratching the stubble underneath his chin. "It seems you've grown up quite a bit... fine son. I'll drop the act... and now I'll become a reasonable and much, much more mature father to you" announced Isshin, dusting himself from Ichigo's attack.

He then grabbed Ichigo's shoulder with his huge left hand and eyed him in a proud manner, which only a father and son could describe.

"RIGHT after this-" Isshin launched himself at Ichigo with a flying kick, who just pushed his father aside setting his collision course for the glass window. He would have to pay for his son's broken window for the 3rd time.

"ICHII-*thud*…"

"Anyway, so what have I missed guys?" asked Ichigo, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh nothing much," replied Uryuu sarcastically. "Just almost half of your school semester. Well we barely passed the second term because of all that "hollow stuff" and you just spent more than half of the new semester sleeping, while we were out trying to regain our school's favour and grades." Uryuu continued. "I'd say you have a lot of catching up to do if you were to pass this year Ichigo."

"Pessimistic as always, Ishida" Ichigo remarked with a half grin.

"No, I'm just simply saying you can-"

"Whatever, so Chad how's that arm?" interrupted Ichigo, with a fairly weak withdrawal.

"Good." replied Chad, Uryuu looking more irritated than ever.

"If you were going to be so rude, why did I even bother coming here?" he stated, relinquishing his anger and propping his glasses up in a way that made the lens reflect light. How he managed to find a light source for it, every time he did it was nothing short of astonishing.

"Lighten up, Ishida" said Ichigo. "I'm just glad to see all of you". He smiled at Yuzu and Karin, whom smiled back almost urgently. He's eyes wondered around the room before locking on to Inoue's.

She was staring frantically at Ichigo, as if she had been holding in something to say all this time. Buds of water started to form at the corners of her big, pearly eyes.

"You've been fairly quiet, Inoue-chan" greeted Ichigo as he smiled, in hopes of relieving an obviously distressed Orihime Inoue.

"Y-You…" started Inoue as she was now sobbing uncontrollably.

"Inoue…" Yuzu eased as everyone just stood there, consoling looks on their faces.

"You never make me worry like that again!" yelled Inoue while slapping Ichigo, to the astonishment of the others. She then proceeded to hugging him. Ichigo confused, decided to just ease and accept the hug.

* * *

><p><em>Presently in Soul Society…<em>

"What do you mean I can't stay here?" asked Renji, annoyed at Izuru Kira who ultimately was the last person he could turn to.

"I'm sorry, but I have company nowadays, and besides she wouldn't like it if I invited others to stay over here". Kira courteously replied.

"Whatever, thanks anyway" Renji remarked, making a slight whip sound as he left. Kira hearing this knew the terminology and eyed the back of Renji's head spitefully before sliding his door shut.

_Tch… I swear, I thought he was abit… y'know, but damn now even he has a girlfriend. Anyway, back to the problem at hand, not one person has a place for me to stay. _

_I can't stay at the barracks because they are redesigning the damn place. I can't stay at Ikkaku's because from what I've heard, that guy can be very violent when he's asleep or sleepwalking for that matter. Everyone else seems to be away, not so sure about the girl's, but damn, I'm pretty sure staying over at their houses would just unsettle things more between us…_

Renji was still figuring out where he would sleep for that night, but found it much more difficult than he'd first anticipate it.

_Well… I guess there is no other choice but "him". _Renji's expression darkened.

He finally made it to his destination, in front of him were two guards who simply nodded and let Renji through. A pristine garden, with beautiful and exotic flowers, encircled by a lively luscious stream of water and perfect grass patches, enticing you to just lay down on the grass and forget about everything were in his wake.

It had pretty much everything the most beautiful garden in Soul Society would have.

Even though it was really late in the night and Renji could hardly see a thing, he followed the stone cobbled pathway and made it around the huge garden which encompassed the massive estate, with relative ease. He passed two residents who bowed politely at him.

"Have you seen Byakuya-taicho" Renji conversed while bowing in return.

"Byakuya-sama?" the man to the left replied. "Since it's this late, I would say he is in his room sleeping" _Common sense Renji… _

"Okay, thank you." Renji made his way towards Byakuya's room with haste.

He could feel that he was getting weaker, knowing he needed the rest badly. Tomorrow were the upcoming Lieutenant Power Surveys. The Lieutenant Power Surveys were; as the name suggests, surveys carried out by the lieutenants of Soul Society, ultimately, a drill more than anything else.

This was his chance to show his superiors how much he had improved in the past recent years.

Once Renji got to the door to Byakuya's bedroom he straightened himself, and then thought if it were right to disturb Byakuya's sleep just for the sake of his own. He was put in a really uncomfortable position which was set deeper, hearing slight giggling coming from inside Byakuya's room.

"What the…" Renji murmured.

_He either sounds like a girl at night or he's got company. _

Renji thought about this for a while.

_Nah, what the hell am I thinking, this is Byakuya we're talking about._

"Nii-sama?" Renji said knocking on the sliding door's wooden frame.

He heard slight rustling, though it was hard to tell and then complete silence.

"Anyway, if you're listening, it's me your step-brother and lieutenant Abarai Renji, something… complicated turned up between me and Rukia and now I'm left with nowhere else to sleep…" Renji spoke, unsure if he was talking to anyone.

He thought he heard more rustling about, but dismissed it, as it could just have easily been the creaks of the old mansion or the overextending tree branches scraping against tiled roofs. Amazingly, a few delayed seconds later the door opened.

"Yes, Abarai?" asked Byakuya with a clearly pissed off expression on his face. Byakuya's night outfit was subtle in a way that you wouldn't notice it or remember it for that matter. Over his shoulder though was pitch black, Byakuya seemingly drawing all the natural light.

Renji repeated what he asked earlier to Byakuya but in a more constructed manner.

Byakuya thought about this for a while until finally answering with a solid…

"No."

"Why not?" asked Renji perplexed.

Byakuya now looking completely stung closed his eyes and stated,

"You have the audacity to come into my house uninvited, wake me up in the middle of the night ruining the very little sleep I had for the sake of your own _AND_ after giving you a straight answer you continue to pester me."

"PLEEEAASE," Renji begged, now on his knees. "I've tried everywhere else, please, this is the only place left for me to sleep without having to sleep outside on the cold, hard pavement! A lieutenant shouldn't be sleeping on the ground… in the middle of nowhere!"

"No."

"What!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"Fine."

"Really!"

"Of course not, baka!"

"Grrrr… some kind of brother you are!" Renji replied, slightly surprised at Byakuya's sudden spike of anger when saying "baka".

Byakuya turned around and closed his eyes. A signature move of his.

"Why can't you settle things with my sister?"

"Hehe, well it's a little bit more complicated than that" Renji said scratching the back of his head.

He then proceeded to tell him exactly what had happened, hoping his elder brother would show an elusively rare compassionate side.

Byakuya truly cared a lot for his sister, so much in fact that he held a thin invisible wall between himself and his step-brother, probably because selfishly he thought she could do better. There was also the Captain/Lieutenant clause which hindered them from speaking like equals.

After being beat by Ichigo Kurosaki at the eve of Rukia's execution though, Byakuya had changed, slightly, and now prioritized Rukia's feelings. The man in front of him was fairly enough; a foundation to that happiness. After hearing the end of Renji's story, Byakuya nodded slightly.

"I guess it can't be helped" he finally answered. "You are stupid enough to forget your first anniversary."

He then opened his eyes and faced Renji. "You are lucky you have my sister as your spouse, if it were anyone else I doubt your relationship would recover quickly. She will forgive you by tomorrow morning" he asserted.

Renji just gaped in gratitude. Byakuya's compassionate side had struck Renji very much like the metaphorical lightning bolt.

"The guest bedroom is down the hall to your left, fifth door to the right. Now leave, the very sight of you in this manner afflicts my pride" snorted Byakuya as he went back to his room slamming the door shut.

Even if Byakuya was the biggest smug asshole Renji had ever met, it was better to be under his roof than under none at all.

"Thank you, nii-sama!" Renji bowed slightly in acknowledgement and proceeded towards his room. He couldn't help but hear more giggles coming from Byakuya's room but once again dismissed it, thinking his mind was playing tricks on him through the exhaustion.

Renji after sliding open the wrong door, finally arrived at what seemed to be the guest bedroom of the mansion, and laid down on his bed stomach-first and instantaneously slept on the spot.

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><p><em>AN: The relevance to this story when compared to the show "Two and a Half Men" is probably minor. The title me and my brother thought up, conjured the thought of a plot and my enthusiasm to write the story. So in essence, the show is merely and inspiration to this Bleach fanfic. But, there are indeed slight resemblances to the show, possibly the humour as well, you'll just have to look out for them!_

_Thanks for reading._

_AND REVIEW!_

_Also thanks to Xen Kenshin for your reviews before I reposted the story, hope you tune in sometime, of course after I tune in._

_-CrayonCalendar, OUT!_


	2. Lost Time

**Chapter 2: Lost Time**

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><p>Renji woke up the following morning with drool running down his mouth onto the floor below. He yawned violently and muttered something about elves as he wiped the saliva off instinctively. He then realised he was at someone else's house, namely his contempt step-brother's house.<p>

_I hope that asshole didn't see me like this…_he grumbled inwardly.

Renji got up from his bed, noticing a note on the table to his right.

"_Come to the Dining Room for breakfast_" the note read.

There was more… "_Also, please clean up the mess you have made and please, refrain yourself from using my restrooms. _

_–Your step-brother._" A familiar voice seemingly seeping through the text.

"Asshole" muttered Renji as he scrunched the piece of paper in his hand, throwing it at the ever convenient trash can next to the table.

Renji couldn't withhold another yawn, as he groomed himself slightly and proceeded towards the dining room. He knew where the place was thankfully, having had the privilege of eating there a couple times because of a fairly obvious reason.

The food there was recognised as one of the most luxurious in all of Seireitei; he definitely was excited to eat there again. The food was possibly the only "pro" reason for staying over at Byakuya's place.

"Good morning, sir" greeted one of the maids bowing ahead of Renji in the narrow corridor.

Renji replied similarly to the woman and continued walking down towards his destination, when he noticed another two, young, good looking women.

"Good morning, sir" both of the maids greeted, bowing at Renji smiling.

"Mornin'" Renji replied bowing to both in return.

Renji was starting to feel like the lady's man at this point, when another three good looking woman past him, all giving out pleasantries. He replied casually, as if there was a toll on his formality. He then entered the dining room.

Sitting on a small square table was Kuchiki Byakuya, one of his maids, and Kuchiki Rukia. He noticed they were almost finished with their meals, now a sea of nervousness dropping down on him as they set their eyes on an all too familiar redhead.

"Come, sit down." instructed Byakuya before sipping his drink. As Renji walked over to sit, Byakuya, like always, had closed his. The cute maid with short black hair smiled politely at him and Rukia; whom Renji had a fairly heated argument the day before, was just looking down at her food, eating, looking both slightly annoyed and remorseful.

"Mornin'" greeted Renji casually as he dropped down to his pillow.

He glanced to his left and right but Rukia and Byakuya respectively, both decided to wordlessly greet him.

"Good morning, Renji-san" greeted the maid sitting opposite him.

"This is Mizuki" announced Byakuya, "I invited her for breakfast."

"Nice to make your acquitance, Mizuki-san" announced Renji followed by a casual grin.

"I heard a lot about you from Byakuya-sama and Rukia-san" Mizuki continued.

"Really? What kind of stuff did they say about me?" asked Renji, looking to delve into conversation.

Mizuki smiled nervously. "Nothing interesting in particular," she then replied.

Renji could tell his now-relatives hadn't shared any _good_ stories of him as of yet. The three continued finishing off their meals as Renji just started digging into his. Apart from the awkwardness of the setting, the food was entirely something else.

"Wow, gobba hand it tu ya Byakuba, thiv bood is abhazing" mouthed Renji, picking up speed as he ate, very much like an animal.

"Yes, it is" agreed Mizuki, amused at Renji's lack of mannerisms, presumably after seeing Byakuya eat all the time.

"Mhmm" groaned Renji in affirmation, as his mouth was now too full to form vowels. Before Byakuya could tell him off scornfully, Rukia blocked him by finally speaking.

"I have a mission" she stated, wiping her mouth with a finely decorated napkin.

"Mmm?" Renji groaned in puzzlement, before swallowing the stockpile of food in his mouth. "Really? When is it?" asked Renji panting.

"Today, this morning" she answered, sipping her tea. "I'm going with Kenpachi-taicho, Shinsui-taicho, Hitsugaya-taicho, Kira-kun and Isane-san to Hueco Mundo."

"What for?" questioned Renji, slightly upset at the sudden announcement.

"Eradication" she stated, her eyes narrowing towards Renji, giving time for him to understand the boldness of that word.

"After a year has passed from that incident, instead of letting our enemies build their forces up once more, we're tasked to eliminate and destroy every arrancar deemed a slight threat… to stop any possible attacks on the Human World" she added.

"Not all the arrancar are bad though!" Renji argued, standing up in disbelief.

"That aside, they are hollows and must be dealt with" she announced, as if she was programmed to think that what they're doing was right. She didn't interact with any of the "good" arrancar, but she was told by Inoue and Renji nevertheless how helpful they were and how they saved her husband's and Ichigo's life.

"Tch" muttered Renji, not believing any of this. "They helped us when we should have died, and now they're getting the sword in the neck just for showing up. How is that fair?" Visions of Dondochakka and Pesche saving Renji and Ishida Uryuu's life back in Hueco Mundo swarmed around Renji's head.

"Renji, sit down." ordered Byakuya, distilling Renji from his memories.

Renji now turned his attention and rage on an innocent Byakuya, who had just finished his meal.

"Why do you care, you _asshole_? You just blindly follow your orders, not having a single care in the world as to how it would affect others!" Renji pointed at him, blinded by rage.

"As one should" answered Byakuya, adding little fire to the situation.

"Renji, sit down. I'm not finished yet" ordered Rukia. "Don't be so rude to my brother"

"Tch" he muttered, before timidly seating himself back on his pillow. He took time to gather his thoughts before continuing.

"What did Ukitake-taicho say about this?" asked Renji, calm but still strung with a wrong note.

He knew that Ukitake wouldn't have let this slide so easily. His opinion was regarded highly amongst the captains, namely Yamamoto. Renji knew he must have had done something about all this.

A long silence.

In fact, Renji hadn't seen Ukitake for a few months. The last time he saw him was when he was hospitalised at the 4th division's intensive care unit. He was given the all clear and Renji and the others were told that he'd be up and about in merely three days.

"He's in a critical condition" said Byakuya. "Well so I've heard. Almost all the captains and lieutenants went there last night to watch over him."

"Really?" questioned Renji, saddened. "How long has he been there?"

"A couple days" answered Rukia. "It wasn't a big deal at first, since he's been constantly seeing the 4th division for health check-ups because of his illness, but last night was probably his closest call." The graveness of the situation was now carved on all their faces, even Byakuya's expression slightly darkened.

"That's terrible!" claimed Mizuki.

"How come I didn't hear of this?" Renji questioned, nearly standing up again before realising it.

Rukia looked increasingly guilty. "I found the hell butterfly… under all the debris of our wall and furniture. I checked on him after Hinamori and Matsumoto told me in person." She was staring blankly into her tea as she shook it slightly.

Another silence.

As much as Renji wanted to go back and argue about the justifications behind the Arrancars' death sentences, he was struck with the horrifying news of Juushirou Ukitake.

"How is he now?" Renji asked hoping for good news.

"The same as when we got there" answered Rukia, to Renji's dismay.

He _really _didn't like the mood this whole conversation created, seeing his Rukia beat and the maid opposite him casting nervous glances. He decided to change the topic of conversation, for now… which he was surprisingly bad at.

"So how long are you staying in Hueco Mundo for?" he asked.

"About two weeks." Rukia replied.

"What!" exclaimed Renji standing up. "When were you planning on telling me this?"

"Well, I was only briefed on the mission two days ago…" stated Rukia. "I was going to tell you yesterday, but then… let's just say that's why I'm here."

"Look after yourself, Rukia." Byakuya commented before standing and bowing to everyone. He said this before flash stepping to God knows where.

Mizuki, the maid, then stood up and started packing away her, Rukia and her master's plate. She then looked at Renji's half eaten one, proceeding to ask him if he was still hungry. Renji simply shook his head as he sat himself down again. She took his plate and walked towards the kitchen leaving Rukia and Renji to collect their thoughts. Minutes had passed without a single word.

"So… you'll be gone for a while?" conversed Renji, unsure where to start.

"Mmm… so it seems," she replied. "Hows that stupid promise you've been keeping up?" she asked later, lightening the mood a little.

"Wha - Ohh…" Renji reddened, remembering the crap he had pulled out of his ass and put on sale the previous day. "Not too well honestly" he said mockingly, scratching the back of his head. "I was concentrating on finding a place to stay last night, and when I finally got the chance to sleep here… I didn't get time to think."

"What? So you slept instantaneously like a dumb animal?" Rukia theorized half grinning.

"Y-yeah, wait, No!" Renji caught off-guard. He now started becoming agitated, which Rukia humoured.

"Anyway, you better keep your promise, no going back now." Rukia smirked, knowing she was making Renji's life much more difficult.

"Of course" he said. "Wait, what did I promise again?"

"To not enter your house until you: one, start taking our relationship seriously, two, until you start doing more work around the house and finally, you have to do three romantic things for me." She declared the last part including three fingers, which she held out towards Renji's face.

"I never said something about doing romantic things for you" argued Renji.

"Oh yeah? I'm pretty sure you did" said Rukia toyingly.

"Tch, in your dreams" smirked Renji, knowing she was going away anyway and her plan had ultimately backfired.

"Well you better start doing them, because I let Hinamori and Matsumoto bunk in our house until you complete your promise. You have a "kick on sight" warrant on your head as well".

Renji hesitated for a bit, proceeding to say "Yeah right, like they'd agree to that..."

"When they heard about how it levelled the field between me, you and men and women alike, they were happy to agree." stated Rukia smirking. "But I think what made them agree was the fact that it'd annoy the hell out of you"._ Or the fact they could eat our food for free._

"Tch, whatever." dismissed Renji, leaning back on his pillow placing his head on the tatami mat below. Rukia looking at Renji decided to do the same.

"So, will you miss me?" asked Renji.

"Of course not".

"Tch, me neither then" Renji grumbled, rolling over to his side.

"_Then_?" repeated Rukia, now sitting up looking over at Renji. "So you were planning on missing me after all? Hah, you're so honest Renji, just like a dumb animal." mocked Rukia.

"_Urusai! _Stop calling me that!_" _exclaimed Renji.

Rukia went back to lying down and the two laid there in complete silence, guards down, purely enjoying each other's company.

"Two weeks you say?" continued Renji. "Well do you want me to bring extra flowers for you… on my visit?"

Rukia exactly knowing what he was talking about, simply nodded and said "Yeah…"

Then Renji just realised how he remembered the yearly visit and not their anniversary and it struck him.

_That's why she was so mad._

The thought left him as a messenger came to them sliding the door behind Rukia's head.

"Rukia-san, they're waiting for you." the messenger spoke, bowing politely.

"Okay, tell them I will be there in a minute."

"Yes ma'am," The shinigami disappeared as Rukia stood up, straightening herself.

"Well, see you later… oh, and don't forget your promise." she pitched in, grinning before disappearing in a flash step. Renji just laid there for a few minutes reflecting on a lot of things but nothing.

_Bullshit they're staying in my house_. He concluded.

* * *

><p><p>

_Meanwhile in Karakura Town…_

"I'm home" Ichigo announced to no one in particular, as he entered the front door. "Welcome home, nii-san" greeted Yuzu familiarly. She wore her signature apron and mittens. Yuzu was preparing dinner so Karin must have been in her room and the Chimp should be at his workplace or something, Ichigo concluded.

He walked up the stairs into his room and without even looking, jumped into his bed face first. It had been another exhausting day.

The only problem was that he didn't remember having two stiff pillows in the middle of his bed. He looked up. Then suddenly jumped up, with utmost horror stricken across his face.

"I-Inoue-san!"

"Oh and Ichigo," Yuzu called out from below. "You got company. But, I guess you've already greeted yourselves, haha."

Ichigo had launched himself face first onto Orihime Inoue's lap. Both of them were stunned, not really sure how to go about what just happened.

"W-Why are you here?" Ichigo exclaimed rather brashly.

Inoue just blushed and said " I-I just wanted to ask you what you have been doing these couple days."

"Oh, these days?" Ichigo said unwittingly.

"Y-yeah, you've been out for nearly a week after school, and I was just wondering if… you were up to something…" she continued.

"Fine," Ichigo acknowledged her worries. "I'll tell you what's been going on…"

This time Ichigo had no reservations at all about telling Orihime what was going on in his life, since she had witnessed the most secretive sides of it.

A few minutes passed and Ichigo finished explaining the bulk of what was up; that he was working for an underground group of t-shirt swindlers; possibly linked to the Yakuza, who'd promise to give Ichigo Kurosaki a large amount of cash for his undoubted cooperation.

"And that's everything" he concluded "I just _reaally_ need the cash right now…"

"You need to start finding normal jobs Ichigo" said Inoue, slightly upset and worried at the same time.

"I'm talking about enough cash to set me up for a place, together with that loan… and what can I say? I guess I'm not _your_ normal, everday guy" he spoke mockingly.

"No, but you will be mine someday" she muttered under her breath.

"Yeah b- Wait, what?"

"N-nothing" blurted Inoue, surprised she inadvertently muttered out her one true desire in life.

"What will happen someday?" Ichigo continued, perplexed and completely misreading what she had said.

"…Someday, y-you will get tangled up in some huge mess, and we won't be there to clean it up for you!" she lectured. _But I will always be there for you. W-Wait, what am I thinking?_

Orihime Inoue then proceeded to hitting her head with her right hand out of frustration of her thoughts, abnormally hard and loudly too.

"A-Are you okay" asked Ichigo, not really sure what was wrong with her. He scratched the back of his head.

"Hmm, okay" she announced standing up, quoting "okay" from the host of the Japanese game show she'd watch the other day. "I just wanted to clear up some things, well I better get going now… it's getting dark" she spoke as if she was in a rush. Ichigo couldn't tell if it was a hollow or maybe she just felt uncomfortable around him, he didn't have a clue.

"Well, see you at school!" she stated, leaving his room.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" asked Ichigo noting it was indeed dark outside.

"N-No, it's fine" she replied from the staircase, stopping in her tracks.

"…Okay, well see ya later then" Ichigo now laid on his bed, down from where he sat.

The sounds of Orihime's footsteps continued and disappeared, faint chatter could now be heard with a mixture of Inoue and his sister's voices. He sighed.

_Phew. Now i can finally relax. _So he thought.

Less than a minute later he started hearing small objects; presumably rocks, attacking his window. He thought for some weird reason it was Inoue, and as he opened the window he was surprised to find an unfamiliar face in the dark.

"Who are you?" he asked the girl who looked his age, possibly younger.

"Are you Kurosaki Ichigo?" she read out a piece of paper in her hand.

"Yeah, what about it?" he replied coolly. She looked startled at this response, proceeding to drop the piece of paper in her hand as she literally shoved a baby up in the air, in Ichigo's view.

"Say hello to your daddy!" she spoke to her baby.

* * *

><p><p>

Renji finally got to Byakuya's room, muttering things inaudible as he knocked on that fateful door.

He was practically in the same position as the night before; where he was given the extraordinary privilege of staying over for the night. Only, instead of it being late at night, there were red tainted indigo skies lingering above him as it was just almost nine o'clock. The door opened sending out an aroma of flowers.

"Yes?" a familiar maid with short black hair opened the door to the surprise of Renji. "Oh, hey Renji-san" she smiled "Byakuya-sama isn't here at the moment I was just finishing cleaning up." This was probably the first time one of Byakuya's maids didn't bow after meeting him, but Renji wasn't as strict as Byakuya and frankly he didn't care, just noticed it.

"H-Hey, do you know where he could be?" Renji asked.

"I'm not 100% sure…" she continued holding a finger to her lip. "But I think he's at his Division's office… finishing off some paperwork. He usually comes back from his work around ten o'clock… I think. Sorry if tha-"

"No it's fine" Renji interrupted. "If you see him… tell him I'm here will ya." Renji walked out of the hall into the adjacent garden, raising a casual hand for goodbye. He pulled his arms up, hanging them in the air as he grasped the back of his head.

"Tch," he muttered angrily, kicking a tiny pebble off the ground at a nearby pond. He then sat down on the grass and thought back.

"I can't believe she actually stuck to her word…"

* * *

><p><p>

It was almost six o'clock and Renji yawned violently.

_That sure was tough. I can't believe I got beaten by Hisagi in the match ups; I had to resort to using my __Hihiō Zabimaru__… Well to be fair, his shikai had the speed advantage and is effectively used for both close-range and long-range… but I had the longer reach so I should have fought him in that respect._

Renji thought about the Lieutenant Power Surveys held that afternoon. He'd think he left a reasonably good impression on the judges, one of them being Byakuya, but would soon be disappointed with himself for the lieutenant vs. lieutenant match ups, being beat by Hisagi at shikai. Even if Hisagi was recognised as a much disciplined fighter, Renji who had achieved Bankai had a rather larger reiatsu pool than him and better synchronisation with his extendable weapon.

Since he had achieved Bankai, he had the _privilege_ to fight a captain the next week, in the Captain Power Surveys, which allowed likely candidates for captaincy to participate. If he had trouble fighting a lieutenant level shinigami, how would he fair against a captain, whose strength by far, was a stretch from a lieutenant's?

Deep in thought, Renji didn't realise he had made it back to his small house, the surprise at seeing the wall that once exhibited a rather big hole sparkling new; drawing him to reality.

_Rukia must have sealed it this morning, how nice of her. _He thought.

Renji yawned again, beat from all the fighting. He entered the house, made some tea and took a seat in the now spotless kitchen.

…_She really did a good job with everything. _

Sipping his tea, he relaxed and inspected the kitchen. Before forming an intelligent comment, he yawned strongly once again. Sleep now seemed to be prioritized for him. He opened the door to his bedroom and saw Matsumoto Rangiku and Hinamori Momo sleeping on his bed, ruffled from the surveys. It took a few seconds for this fact to sink in.

"What the…" Renji then murmured. Seconds later, he completely remembered Rukia's threat made earlier that morning, and couldn't help but seethe, barely containing his anger.

His teeth were grinding against each other furiously and his eyes flared with colour, a colour associable to his hair. He knew that there was absolutely no way of getting them out of the house now.

_Unless…_

Renji with a semi evil grin thought up one of his fool proof plans. They were here to piss him off, they would never move, they were asleep, they needed to get the hell out of his house, it was a pretty basic plan.

Renji would carry them both outside without waking them, and then rightfully, he would lock and bolt his house up, having it all to himself as well as leaving the two vulnerable lasses to the care of Soul Society's cold, street pavement. Knowing that justice prevailed against evil, he would feel serenity, a feeling of being at peace… of course, until the demonic wench that put him in this predicament came back. Renji was surprisingly bitter when tired.

He nodded at the schematics forming inside his head and without being able to contain his deceptively evil smirk, slowly, he began carrying Momo out of his bed. Painfully slowly, but eventually, Renji placed her outside of his house, onto the cold hard pavement, cautious not to wake her up. It was surprisingly easy.

"One down, one more to go!" he muttered haughtily, entering his house again.

Images of bliss solitude, where dancing around Renji's tired head, as he walked back into his bedroom, now looking over the slumped, busty form of Rangiku. He thought for a while a way to do this that preserved his innocence the most… but in the end he concluded, this was going to be hard. In a non-physical sense.

He was startled as she started moving around in her sleep, but continued his plan when she stopped, carefully draping his arms around her waist. He really wanted to finish this as quickly as possible.

She was fairly heavy he thought, compared to Hinamori who was as light as a feather. But that opinion changed when Renji started feeling the strain only from lifting her torso up slightly.

"Carefully…" Renji murmured to himself.

Renji was now carrying Rangiku's entire body, bending his knees struggling to hold the surprisingly heavy women. She started moving around again slouchier than before, to the disdain and complete horror of Renji.

Seconds later she stopped, thankfully. Renji sighed and continued carrying her through the kitchen, now gently, but swiftly.

"You sure are heavy" he muttered, almost a bit too loudly.

Suddenly Matsumoto had another spasm and broke free from one of Renji's arms.

She hit her head on the floor and woke up immediately after. She glanced up at Renji, who now was just holding up her legs, revealing to him whatever she had hidden underneath her kimono. Renji stared at now, her face, mouth open in shock, he's plan had seemingly backfired.

Blushing with embarrassment he spoke "It's not what it looks like!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" she shouted in horror, waking up Momo who was lying outside the door directly behind her.

Sadly, Renji out of shock forgot to put down Rangiku's pearlescent legs, no longer hidden under her kimono. Momo made an incredulous look, wondering what the hell was going on.

Renji immediately put them down and went over and explanation he really didn't know how to start.

"I know exactly what you were doing, Renji!" stated Matsumoto, interrupting Renji's disjointed sentence. She got up and slapped him across the face.

"Momo, come here and slap this pervert, he's been peeping on us when we were asleep!"

Momo got up from the pavement, disgusted, and surprisingly slapped Renji harder than even Rangiku did. Renji's face was now as red as, well, his hair; from taking two full slaps to each side of his face. He then shook his head in cartoonish fashion, trying to collect himself.

"Look, I was just trying to move you guys outside my house that is all!" Renji claimed, with the pure intent of clearing his name.

"Hmm, sure you did" Rangiku contemplated as she now, weirdly, started to smirk. "First, we'll tell Rukia what had happened…" she glanced at Momo.

"PLEASE, NO DON'T, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY...!" Renji said beggingly and most of all, absent-mindedly.

"Anything?" Rangiku asked.

"…Y-Yeah," he replied, not really sure now what he was doing anymore.

She thought about this for a while. "Good, then get out of my house" she ordered. "Not until you complete Rukia's promise will we grant you entry. Got that pal?" A grin.

"…But it's my hou-"

"Listen here _bud_," Rangiku continued. "Maybe you were peeping… maybe you weren't, okay, but if I were you, I'd better get going… unless you want Rukia to hear our side of the story? Okay?"

Renji gulped at the now demonicly possessed, laughing Rangiku.

Seconds later, he bolted out of his house yelling "AKUMA!" over and over again. Everyone's attention turned on the shinigami with red hair, as he ran towards the setting sun, being nothing more than a speck in the distance.

"I hope he didn't take it _that_ seriously." Momo worried.

"Naah, he knows he didn't do anything wrong" she said before chuckling. "He did call me heavy though, the bastard."

"You're a pretty good actress, Rangiku-san" Hinamori praised, now joining in the laugh. Rangiku curtsied in a playful fashion as they went back inside.

"Tea?"

* * *

><p><p>

After conversing with some of his lower ranked shinigami, Renji decided to head back to Byakuya's place. He could have easily found another place to stay, but in honesty, Renji somewhat enjoyed staying over at the luxurious mansion called the Kuchiki Manor. Even if that smug asshole was there, Renji would always fantasize about the food he'd be able to eat. Pretty much all he cared about was the food.

Unfortunately, the chance of him staying over there again was almost a zero. Nevertheless, Renji ventured forward, the aroma of fatty tuna and platters of shrimp and sashimi swelling his sense.

As he walked along the seemingly endless walkway, he saw an all too familiar form in the distance.

_…Oh crap, not this psychopath again... Please… Please don't talk to me. _

_"_Heeey, Renji" approached Mayuri Kurotsuchi, wearing one of his evil plastic smiles.

"Oh hey, Kurotsuchi-taicho" he addressed, formally bowing to the captain of the feared _Research Division._

"No need for pleasantries" asserted Mayuri, which surprised Renji. "I hear you're entering the Captain Power Surveys next week." Renji nodded and before forming a reply, Mayuri continued.

"You better hope you don't go up against me" he said before chuckling. "I've been _killing _to try out a new drug that I have manufactured. Would you like a sample?"

"No thank you!" replying almost instantly, Renji smiled nervously and backed away ever so slightly.

"Are you sure?" Mayuri continued, turning to his left ninety degrees, evil eyes still set on Renji.

"I'm not sure I have the "_thousand swords"_ feeling yet. You out of everyone have the best experience with pain, seeing as to how many times you've fallen in battle… your opinion is critical" Renji was too terrified to feel insulted by this comment. _N-Not as much… as Chad._ He retorted to himself.

"Hahaha, a funny joke Kurotsuchi-taicho."

"…Joke? Hmm… oh well if you don't want to try it out, I guess I will just have to find someone else, unfortunately" responded Mayuri, laughing as he now faced Renji. "Well, until then, _Renji-kun_."

He walked past him with Nemu who bowed earlier stuck idly by his side. Renji shuddered visibly after being called "Renji-kun" by Mayuri.

He then suddenly felt remorse over the unfortunate shinigami Mayuri would find next. In reverence, he took it upon himself to hold a "one minute of silence" for the unlucky shinigami, and prayed a little, hoping that he ends up with a good, wealthy life in the Human World and that Mayuri would one day finally go to hell.

Renji ventured on, and was now outside Byakuya's room as he felt upsettingly tired and grim. Once again, in the same spot earlier that day with just a two hour difference, he knocked on that door. Byakuya, who opened the door, immediately after laying eyes on Renji, like clockwork, spoke with a sturdy tone.

"No."

"Ah, nii-san…"

* * *

><p><p>

Renji was moving profusely in his makeshift bed, for some reason he just couldn't sleep.

A lot of things had happened today: finding out his wife had a mission for 2 weeks; hunting the arrancar that helped them in their fight against the Espada, finding out that captain Ukitake was in a fatal, near-death condition in the 4th division, the lieutenant power surveys and being humiliated at the hands of Matsumoto and Hinamori, worried they would tell Rukia what supposedly happened.

Sighing he said "There's no going around it" which inadvertently meant _I'm going to ransack Byakuya's pantry now, because I can't sleep_.

He got up in the middle of the night, time-wise, much like the night before; as he wandered through the halls looking for one of Byakuya's many kitchens. He managed to find the kitchen he ate across that morning, and made himself a cup of tea. He sat in the dark, with a small strip of natural light coming from the moon Soul Society somehow had; granting him vision.

He was grateful Byakuya let him stay again for the night, but thought he had to find another place to stay at, since lightning didn't strike more than once; already stricken twice for him. He decided to make the most of it.

"Let's see what we've got here" Renji said as he opened the pantry.

He found many different types of foods, all of them from the human world. What caught his eye were the stacks of noodles probably in their hundreds.

"Mi… Go… Reng?" he managed to make out with the small light. "Who the hell likes this stuff?" Looking over his shoulder for a moment, he then proceeded to open a packet of the noodles and ate them raw. He threw the rest away and started looking for more stuff.

A bag of churros sticking out from under the massive stockpile of food caught Renji's attention with a sparkle. Renji pulled the bag out, causing everything stored on top of it to collapse and pile on top of Renji in comic fashion. Instead of being flustered, he held amazement over how much stuff was actually in the uncommon pantry and how deep it went.

In fact, he felt a cold, misty breeze coming from miraculously inside the pantry; enticing Renji to just walk in and disembark into a new world. What awaited him was seemingly a new adventure as he would discover the magical and unexplored world hidden inside.

The ridiculous thought left him when he started to feel tired and slightly mad.

After chucking everything that had fallen back inside the pantry, not really caring about making it neat, he then proceeded back to his room hoping his little adventure had tired him enough. Just when he opened the door to his room, he heard giggling coming from Byakuya's room once again.

"Okay, now something is going on" he murmured to himself, noting this isn't the first time he had heard those sounds.

_But it's Byakuya, probably just my imagination. _

Renji knew better then to think of even a slight possibility Byakuya was with a girl because, it was, well, Byakuya.

Renji was now dumbly standing in front of Byakuya's door. His mind going from end to end as he contemplated if he should open his step-brother's door.

_God, there is no chance in hell this guy is with a girl… so I might as well check anyway to get peace of mind, yeah! _He sighed and opened that fateful door. "Ho-ly fuck…"

What stood before Renji's eyes would be an image burnt forever in his mind.

"_WHAT THE FUCK_" Renji yelled out in his head as Byakuya and a topless maid with long black hair stared at Renji shockingly, all three having stunned faces. 

_It was a girl!_

"Oh shit, sorry" Renji said reflexively but before he could even touch the door, suddenly another lady with silky brown hair revealed herself from under the covers, hidden behind Byakuya.

"So how about I..." she purred, before looking over at Renji; stunning her as well. Renji couldn't speak nor move. He just stood there his mouth open like Luna Park.

If it were possible for the situation to get any more awkward, another girl with short blonde hair came out from under the bed.

"Huh?" she murmured, wondering what was going on, then glancing over at Renji. Renji's jaw lowered so much that nearby shinigami would consider slaying him thinking he was some kind of retarded looking hollow.

_T-Three... women?_

* * *

><p><p>

_A/N: And yeah… what do you guys think so far?_

_Thanks for reading._

_- CrayonCalendar, god I really want to change my name…_


	3. Byakuya's Secret

**Chapter 3: Byakuya's Secret**

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile in Karakura Town…<em>

"Fuck off, what are you saying? I don't have a fucking son!" yelled Ichigo. It was night now and after the explanation from the mysterious girl that supposedly held Ichigo's baby; he was still baffled at how this baby came to be.

"Kaiyo, look, it must have been a mistake…"

"Then why tha fuck does he have orange hair?" she shouted, twisting her eyebrow.

"Don't look at me! How would I know?"

"Listen here buddy, I may have been out of it when we _did it,_ but now I remember your face like… I remembered my mother's face!" Ichigo disgusted at how casually Kaiyo made 'doing it' sound, just sat down on an adjacent stone fence, collecting his thoughts.

"I've never seen you in my whole life" he stated for the one hundredth time. "I'm leaving, not falling for a bullshit scam like this."

"Scam…!" she yelled, now becoming really agitated.

"Well actually, it's a pretty believable scam. Who puts the effort into dying their baby's hair orange anyway? Why don't you stop wasting my time and that baby's integrity? You've already lost all of yo-" Ichigo was interrupted.

"You know how much effort I put into finding you… you scumbag!" She screeched, now grabbing Ichigo's collar pissed off as accidentally pregnant girls can get. "You are the lowest most pitiful resource of our humankind's existence you lying _son of a bit_-"

Ichigo pinched her mouth closed, before hearing the dreaded word that'd follow.

"Look, a scumbag wouldn't spend time outside discussing something as personal as this, especially if he knew what he did" Ichigo said, agitated that he was complying with her lies. "I would say you are the scum-"

Kaiyo interrupted Ichigo by unexpectedly sending a punch right at his face, literally lifting him to the sky, across the damp street.

"Touch me again and I'll make sure you'll have n-nothing to touch things with!"

The baby proceeded to crying.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" the baby cried unrelentingly.

"Now look what you've done, the freaking baby's crying." She shouted, now turning towards her and Ichigo's alleged child.

As Ichigo dusted himself callously and got back on his feet, he watched as Kaiyo desperately tried to find what was wrong with her baby. She tried the bottle, the pacifier and even tried burping him. Then a foul smell arrived at Ichigo's nose which made him cringe.

"Maybe you ought to check his diaper" Ichigo commented, clenching his nose and flapping the air in front of him.

"Oh, so you're a parent now?" she stated sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm surprised too." Ichigo replied.

"Tsk, whatever, it's no scam…" she spoke slightly defeated, but still pissed as hell as she started to change the baby's diaper on her stroller.

"Okay, I'm sorry." Ichigo concluded, not believing how he got into this mess. "So how old is our problem?" More sarcasm.

"1 year and 6 months old" She replied bitterly, her back turned to Ichigo.

"So it was over a year ago when _'it'_ supposedly happened" Ichigo murmured to himself, not catching the ear of Kaiyo.

He thought with the endeavour of clearing his name.

Ichigo closed his eyes, and reflected on what he was doing two years or so ago. He remembered being asleep after the fight with Aizen, which would be around 2 years ago now. Doing some more numbers, he realised that the baby must had been brought into existence before that time when he was asleep. _No way…_

He reconstructed his thought again, and reached the same conclusion.

A thought struck him, but instead of a light bulb it came in the form of a thundercloud.

_NO FUCKING WAY!_

Ichigo now turned to Kaiyo who was nearly finished changing her baby's nappy, he ignored the fact she was still pissed off at him and asked,

"Kaiyo-san" She raised an eyebrow at him. "What was I like when I met you?"

"What the hell ar-"

"Just tell me".

"…well… it's still a bit hazy, but you were very outgoing and you couldn't contain yourself, you were flirting with all the girls in the…"

"**AAAAAAAUGHH, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM!"**

Kaiyo wondering what the hell was wrong with him stepped back cautiously, covering her baby's ears.

"**THAT LOW LIFE PIECE OF SHIT!" **

Ichigo was completely blinded by his rage that he didn't notice how loud he was, waking up the nearby residents that were now opening there curtains and watching. Thankfully, he and Kaiyo had wandered a couple blocks away from his house by this time.

"**I'M GOING TO FUC-"**

Kaiyo managed to cover Ichigo's mouth but could still feel the hot air being exhaled onto her hand.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she whispered, bewildered at the seemingly snapped Ichigo. "You'll wake everyone up!" Surprisingly Ichigo was still at it, letting out mouthfuls of air, full of bitterness.

Ichigo then immediately placed his hand on Kaiyo's shoulder nodding an "okay. She then cautiously released her hand from Ichigo's mouth.

"**THAT PIECE OF SH-"** Kaiyo once again shut up Ichigo and just sighed as she walked away from the residents now staring at them, carrying Ichigo as if he was a hostage.

Ichigo was trying to escape her grasp gently, though she just ignored him and tightened her grip.

_Crap… wasn't she changing the baby's nappy, and wait, did she even wash her hands? _Ichigo thought, an uneasy expression hitting his face.

* * *

><p>"Sorry about that" Kaiyo said, watching Ichigo repeatedly wash his face with water from the river.<p>

"…Don't worry about it" Ichigo replied, "And don't tell anyone either".

Ichigo had finally calmed down _a bit_ and Kaiyo proceeded to ask him a question that has been troubling her for a while…

"Who the hell were you talking about before?"

"Never mind it, it's nothing important." The spiky-haired teenager answered.

Ichigo realised in the few minutes beforehand that he couldn't explain his fears to her at all, unless she would actually buy the story that an otherworldly entity had taken over his body at the time they had sex, while he was sent into that very entity's world; not mentioning he was there fighting death gods.

Kaiyo just raised an eyebrow, but dismissed it as Ichigo started walking away.

"Hey jerk, where the hell do you think you're going?" yelled Kaiyo, shocked that her baby's father was simply leaving her.

"I'm meeting a friend of mine" he replied.

"Well, I'm following you then whether you like it or not" she announced, pushing her stroller towards Ichigo, "Whether you're psychotic or not either".

"Fine" Ichigo replied, ignoring that last comment as he continued walking down the empty street.

The streetlights slowly lit up as the sky darkened. It was a smart thing that Ichigo had thought ahead of the dreaded scenario before him, leaving a note in his bedroom in case someone checked on him. It literally stated "Doing homework at Chad's", which, unfortunately, wasn't as believable now as Ichigo originally thought it to be.

He turned to look at the slightly shorter woman beside him paddling her stroller. She had long brown hair and hazel or possibly blue eyes. He couldn't tell with the light. Her hair flowed freely with only a measured trim tracing her brows.

"So how old are you anyway?" Ichigo conversed, merely out of curiosity.

"19" she stated which literally made Ichigo flinch, thinking she was way younger.

"Cut the crap" she then proceeded to say, grabbing Ichigo's collar. "Where the hell could you be possibly going at this time of night? Are you seriously off your cracker?"

"I told you didn't I? I'm meeting a friend of mine. He owns a candy store at the other side of town." he replied, wondering how much Kaiyo would think it a lie.

"Why this late!" she then exclaimed releasing Ichigo's collar.

"I need to ask him something important, besides, you don't have to follow me you know." he replied as he continued to walk, dumbly leaving Kaiyo behind again.

"Tsk, I'm pretty sure candy shops wouldn't be open in the middle of the night, then again he's your friend, so he must be _sorta_ strange" she continued, catching up to Ichigo; who noticeably looked like he didn't want to take any part at all of this mess. She bit her lip, but steadily kept her cool.

She wanted to murder the prick walking in front of her, through a lot of understandable reasons.

He impregnated her; for one, didn't call, wasn't there when she found out she was pregnant, wasn't there for their baby's birth, left her alone to feed and care for her child for the past year and a half, when she finally found him; he denied everything, he pretended not to remember her, and now he's literally showing her that he wants to not be involved in the mess he had created!

But he was just a kid. It wasn't solely his fault either.

This thought alone crushed her, especially when she met him for the first time. Back then, without wanting to show her tears, she held up the baby over her face in Ichigo's view, exclaiming something she couldn't even recall. Before her thoughts darkened, Kaiyo entered her bubbly form and asked a light question, which indirectly, may have also eased her unrequited pain.

"…You didn't say, how old you were…"

"…Why do you care, are you a paedophile or something?"

You would have to be Ichigo to understand why he said that. He had the darkest sense of humour.

Kaiyo had it. She was about to lose it and pull both of Ichigo's eyes out with her fingernails, squeezing them until the gelatinous orbs exploded in her hands, before Ichigo continued.

"…I'm 17, almost 18" he replied coolly, "Sorry about that" he noted with guilt. "We'll sort this out… together".

Kaiyo, to her heart-clenching relief, noted that the spiky haired teenager wasn't as young as what she had first thought him to be. A massive weight was lifted off her shoulders.

They walked, and as minutes passed in real time, with the heavy burden off of her conscious she started to now also feel, strangely, elated.

The fact that Ichigo was able to acknowledge her feelings of isolation and had included her, making up for his previous mistake, made her feel somewhat proud. He was certainly intelligent, she concluded.

She sighed in her new-found relief and now felt somewhat nervous as she delved into what inevitably would be her "new life".

"What's his name?" asked Ichigo, making Kaiyo flinch.

How this subject wasn't brought up earlier or whose fault it was for that matter was beyond her.

"I-I haven't named him yet". Now it was Ichigo's turn to flinch.

"Wh-What? Why?"

"I wanted to confirm it with the father…"

"So he's been living for a year now without a name? Are you insane!" Ichigo yelled out worriedly. "I-I watched one of those documentary things, if you don't name the baby he won't find a familiarity with his name until he becomes a teenager!"

"S-Shit, no way!" Kaiyo exclaimed in horror, covering her mouth.

"Tell me, have you been calling him by a name… any name?" he asked desperately.

"No I haven't! Shit! All I have been calling him is _"son"_. W-What have I done?"

She then abruptly raised her sleeved arm towards her eyes.

Silence embraced both of them, before Ichigo realised why she had done that.

"It's okay," Ichigo lamented, grabbing Kaiyo's shoulder as she silently wept through the fear Ichigo had abruptly instilled in her. _Shouldn't have said that. _He grimaced.

Ichigo Kurosaki hated seeing girls cry or look in any form of pain for that matter. Hated it to his very core. Why she was crying was because of him. He knew he had to from now on be more careful with what he says; he had to be more mature and perceptive.

Though, in reality she cried off all the lingering emotions she had, not because of the clumber of not naming her baby; conjured off the bizarre belief that she'd be seeing her baby's father sooner.

Like everyone, she didn't like feeling vulnerable, but uncommonly, she tried her absolute hardest not to show it, not to anyone, ever. She actually felt like punching Ichigo the moment he laid his hand on her, but dismissed it; not wanting to complicate things.

She had to be strong, she thought, trying to ease her tears with a resolute answer.

"We-We should name him now" Ichigo stated thoughtfully.

She lifted her arm, confirming Ichigo's fears as she looked at him. He shuddered.

"What?" she simply asked. "What should we call him?"

Ichigo could now tell her eyes were hazel, thanks to the sun that now peaked behind him. He felt anxious, noticing he had indeed been outside too late. And had school that morning too.

_Imagine Keigo if he had ever heard this. _Ichigo thought spontaneously; most likely conjured at the thought of school.

But obviously he'd plan to feign sickness, and sort this whole mess out. But he wasn't naïve enough not to notice this wouldn't be a problem that lasted a day, let alone two weeks. He horrifyingly knew that this problem could very well stay with him for the rest of his life.

He needed answers, he needed assurances, and he felt the need to see his mentor with the green hat.

However, most of all, he had to destroy and burn an all too familiar plush doll.

Depending on the doll's answer, Ichigo Kurosaki would decide how much force and torture to administer, when literally wiping him off the face of the planet; a blow that should've been dealt a long, long time ago, in Soul Society's records, he'd add.

"I… have no idea" he gaped.

* * *

><p>Renji stumbled from his bed, stretching his limbs as he prepared himself for breakfast. It had been two days from Byakuya's explanation of events that happened the morning after that fateful night. Ever since then, he was allowed to stay in the mansion until Rukia came back, in exchange for him keeping Byakuya's secret a secret.<p>

Renji's entire outlook on Byakuya had changed. He literally couldn't see him the same after that single event, which occurred in the dead of night. _Though, he'd probably experience events like that every night. _He thought.

To Renji, Byakuya was not that stoic, impossibly serious, smug, asshole-like aristocrat he had always seen him as. Now he saw him as that stoic, impossibly serious, smug, asshole-like aristocrat with a dirty secret and who was also a deadly womanizer. Byakuya was a womanizer! So he thought.

But surprisingly, Byakuya hadn't changed much around Renji after that encounter. He was still, well, an asshole.

Renji though felt empowered as he knew Byakuya's most valuable secret, a secret which could very well shake the boundaries of Soul Society itself. He was now hopping and giggling down the hallway towards the dining room, like a school girl who just found out her best friend's crush.

Though, soon after, he remembered what Byakuya had said to him directly after that explanation...

"_I could easily kill you" Byakuya commented as he sipped his tea, his eyes closed. _

_He then opened them looking callously at the cup in his hand "You wouldn't be heard of much again, and that young 3__rd__ ranked shinigami from the 10__th__ division would take your spot. The one you dislike so much"_

_Renji stared at him in horror._

"_Then again, if I did that, Rukia would be very unhappy…" He now looked at Renji. "Which is why I'm making you this proposition…"_

Renji shook his head and woke himself back into a far more pleasant reality. To Renji, Byakuya was both scary and inhumanely evil. Though, he had his good side. He owned a mansion for god's sake, and had really, really nice food. Renji would now contemplate on what they would be serving for dinner that night.

Renji entered the dining room, seeing Byakuya sitting down alongside the same guest as before when Rukia had dined with him before leaving for her mission, Mizuki was her name Renji remembered.

"Good morning, Renji-san" she greeted, as Renji sat in his pillow; to the left of Byakuya.

"Mornin'" he replied pleasantly.

He proceeded then to look at the food, which he would really look forward to eating. Before picking up his chopsticks though, he's entire being was shocked by the events that suddenly took place.

"Good morning, Renji-kun" greeted Byakuya. Renji just dumbly looked at Byakuya as if he'd ask him a question.

_Wha- Did he just call me …?_

Renji, really, was caught off guard and proceeded to say "M-Morning?"

Byakuya then smiled.

Renji took back everything he said about how much he had changed. He was a completely new person.

_He-He… Did he just… smile?_

"So Mizuki, how was last night?" Byakuya asked, turning towards her, a devilish smirk smitten across his face. Mizuki actually took a nervous glance towards Renji before answering, which Byakuya took notice of.

"It's okay, this man is Renji Abarai, a trustworthy man, I would have asked you in private if it weren't so." Renji blinked three times, to make sure he was awake. "And your eyes…" Byakuya continued. "Something about them peaked my curiosity; I just had to ask you."

"Oh, really" Mizuki asked slightly reddening, like she'd been enchanted by magic.

"Hmm," Byakuya nodded in affirmation. "How the morning light reflects off your bright brown eyes, truly is stunning. They come to life and greet everyone you see with reassuring fervour. You most definitely are a morning person, Mizuki" A warm smile.

_WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?_ Renji wondered in disbelief, his mouth open; not caring about the food anymore.

"Well last night…" she said, still slightly nervous. "…was amazing".

Renji, casting a drink over his mouth to hide his shock, now found it hard to swallow his tea. Byakuya then decided to caress her shoulder, moving his hand towards her chin until he gently cupped her left cheek, their gaze grew.

Watching them become slightly intimate was almost as mind-racking as _that_ sight three nights ago. Renji had to change the subject, if any was there to start with.

"U-Uh, so Byakuya-san, how is… U-Ukitake-taicho holding up?" conversed Renji intrusively, to the disdain of the two.

Mood-killer effective.

Byakuya straightened himself and Mizuki out of her intimate mood became slightly nervous again and slightly disappointed. _Sorry, Ukitake… but you're a god –damned hero._

"He is doing well now I here" Byakuya stated, wiping his mouth with a napkin, possibly not from the food. Renji had heard about the news too, but he didn't really ask the question in the pursuit of knowledge either. Byakuya caught up to that.

"I'm surprised you wouldn't have known, your information sources must be quite quaint" he commented, a slight pissed-off expression apparent on his face. "That aside, I'm interested to know…" Byakuya began. "You were upset when the order to eliminate the arrancar was made. Knowing you, you must have done something… barbaric in order for your voice to be heard."

Renji knew exactly what he was talking about. He was talking about how he got his ass served to him by Genryuusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, the first Division captain and strongest shinigami in all of Soul Society.

In his flashback, he also remembered seeing Sasakibe Chojiro in the background; Yamamoto's lieutenant, contempt idling in his eyes as he drank his tea, watching.

The least Renji could have done was risk his reputation to help get his point across to Yamamoto, which he did.

"Yeah, of course I wouldn't stand for it!" exclaimed Renji at Byakuya as he stood up instinctively.

He retold them what happened, that Yamamoto, bold as always, declined Renji's offer for a trial. Yamamoto stating that a hollow was a hollow, and that it was a shinigami's responsibility to destroy it. He'd then remark on the fear instilled into the populace of Seireitei following the rumours involving the arrancar; hollows with shinigami powers and enough reiatsu to intimidate even captain level shinigami, which was a concern in itself.

Renji's frustration wouldn't be quelled though, raising his sword against the strongest shinigami in all of Seireitei, a very stupid but brave act, this level of hard-headedness probably rubbed off from Ichigo Kurosaki.

That very sword fell quickly as Yamamoto beat him with ease. All it took was a mean punch to the stomach, and Renji was down and out for the count.

Faint glimpses of a disappointed Yamamoto, and of Sasakibe stirring his tea; contempt still idly driven in his eyes, were collected before Renji's vision faded into darkness.

"What did you expect to happen?" Byakuya wondered, already finished with his meal.

"Well… I think what you did was honourable. It would take a lot of courage standing up to that man, and I can't say it was for a meaningless cause" praised Mizuki, gaining a quick glance from Byakuya.

"Honourably stupid." He reiterated.

Mizuki smiled, and stood up. At this point Renji realised he was standing up himself. As he gingerly sat himself, Mizuki cleared the table and left for the kitchen, leaving only Renji's uneaten plate of food on the table.

"I'll come pick it up when you're done" she said smiling, before leaving the two alone in the dining room.

The sounds of birds from the garden could now be heard as both Renji and Byakuya remained silent, the former now eating his food unnaturally slowly; possibly from a ruined appetite.

"How's your promise with my sister, going?" asked Byakuya, opening his eyes as he looked at Renji.

"Promise? Oh, you mean how I can't enter my own house anymore? Great!" he commented sarcastically, taking a break to grab another bite. "In fact, I don't have the faintest idea why Rangiku and Momo are _still_ in my house!"

"Hmm" Byakuya affirmed. "They must truly enjoy… pissing you off" .

Byakuya, despite being cultured, couldn't think of another way to put it. This terminology, funnily enough, was derived from Ichigo Kurosaki as well.

"Tell me about it…" Renji affirmed angrily.

"I've heard from my sister, the kind of promises you made with her…" he conversed.

"Hey! Most of those promises she pulled out of her ass! I'm not indulging her with-"

"I promise to not enter our house until I start taking our marriage seriously. I promise to do more work around the house." Byakuya rehearsed. "Where those made up?" he then asked, to Renji's dismay.

"Stay out of this" he said coldly. "This is something between me and my wife, it has nothing to do with you.._. _and don't give me this 'she's my sister' crap._" _Renji wasn't pleased.

Byakuya callously dropped the conversation, but decided to enter it through a different angle. The reason why he wanted to delve deeper in Renji and his sister's love life would be anyone's guess.

"Have you thought of any… romantic things to do for my sister, when she gets back?" he asked, sipping the last of his tea. Renji now remembered the final promise.

Renji, sure, didn't have to do anything romantic for Rukia at all. The last bit was fabricated and probably was said mockingly, though, it wasn't entirely a bad idea either.

When was the last time Renji was romantic towards Rukia? This thought plagued him for the past week, and still, he couldn't find a time he had ever been romantic, apart from when he proposed to her under the fireworks display the Shiba family had arranged.

_Maybe, just maybe, all I need to do is put effort into showing how much I care for her…_

"Nothing" Renji replied finally, answering Byakuya's lingering question. "But… I'm working on it" he proceeded to say, somehow gaining a faint smile from Byakuya.

_W-W-What was that?_

The smile disappeared too fast, causing Renji to wonder whether it was just a mirage.

_W-Wait a mirage, out here… No that's… that's just impossible."_

"Good." Byakuya stated, as he stood from his spot. "If you're interested, Renji, I can help you… teach you some things."

Renji wide eyed, wondered what he meant. "Teach me…?"

Byakuya smirked.

"Teach you… how to be dazzling, like me"

* * *

><p>It was nearing 11 o'clock at night, and Renji after grooming himself considerably at Byakuya's request was sitting in his makeshift bed, wondering where they were going, or what Byakuya had in mind for him.<p>

Instead of wearing his shinigami outfit, he wore a loose jazzy green t-shirt, blue jeans and a flashy pair of sunglasses clipped on the neck of his shirt. His hear was flipped back into a thin ponytail.

Renji Abarai had bought all of his apparel in the Human World; his clothes were considered to be "hip" or "cool" as stated by the store cleric. Renji had no idea what the word "hip" meant, but he knew "cool", outlandishly claiming to have a whole lot of it already.

He was almost dozing off from waiting too long, when the door suddenly opened to his room, showing a familiar face and scent.

"Oi, do you know what's taking him so long?" Renji asked the person.

"Yeah… Byakuya-sama told me he'll be another ten minutes, and to be patient" she replied as she began her cleaning duties.

The silence swept them as Renji waited impatiently.

"By the way…" Renji started through pure boredom. "H…How much of you are there?"

Renji shuddered at why he was raising a point like this now, of all times and people, though his keen interest propelled him from regretting over it in the end.

When she raised an eyebrow at him questionably he reiterated by including the word "…maids?"

She smiled faintly, and said "Not as much as you think…"

"But… you're okay with that?" he immediately asked her, guarded, knowing he was prying into presumably a dark web of secrets.

"Okay with what?" she said now surprisingly flustered. "We are_ just_ maids, Renji-san."

Renji had to get to the point.

"And that includes you all sleeping with the man of the house?" he said.

Mizuki now upset, slapped Renji across the face.

Renji was stunned really… but she continued.

"Now I see what you mean. We don't _have_ to sleep with him you know." She said still fuming.

Renji wordlessly felt the sting on his cheek. He was actually startled at the very feminine looking maid's strength. He was defeated.

"…Besides, I never did."

"Bullshit. You two were pretty much into it this morning, during breakfast." Renji claimed as he recollected himself. Mizuki, now ignored her cleaning duties and sat on the chair opposite Renji, deep in thought.

"Byakuya-sama… knows who I am, ever since he picked me up almost a century ago" she replied. "Can I keep a secret with you?" she seemed to ask him desperately. Though, something slightly more interesting popped up in Renji's mind.

"H-Hold on, a century ago? Just how old are you?"

"320 years old" she said, to Renji's complete and utter surprise.

"T-T-Three hundred and twenty? You-You look, I don't know, at least 190 years old!"

She glared at him. Renji stated "Back to your point…?"

She rolled her eyes. "Promise not to tell anyone this"

"Yeah sure, why not, go tell me!" exclaimed Renji, which received a sharp glance by Mizuki.

"I promise" he swore.

"I'm in love… with Byakuya-sama."

Renji just sat there his mouth open awkwardly, like a joke was left off without it's punchline.

"Oh, really?" he managed to say.

"Yes! But I want him to see just me… not all these other girls around him. Sometimes it just makes me so mad and jealous" she started to clench her fists; propped up against the seat she was sitting on.

Renji nodded. He wasn't dumb enough to not realise Mizuki's initial feelings at this point, Byakuya was indeed a scumbag.

"You have to help me!" she continued. "Promise you'll stick by my side and help convince Byakuya to take only one girl with him. Please!"

Renji tried to pitch in his concerns but he was beaten.

"I don't like how things are now," she said, droplets of water now forming around the ends of her eyes. "He is stubborn, and he probably thinks his lifestyle of picking up poor people; woman and letting them stay benefits everyone around him… but why do I feel so broken inside? At least if there is one girl in his life I can finally be happy and live on, wh-whether or not it's me!"

"Its okay, its okay" Renji comforted. _Ah crap… what do I do now…_

"I'm so sorry" she managed to say between her fits of crying. It continued for a whole five minutes as Renji sat next to Mizuki quietly consoling her.

"Promise me?" she then asked Renji, who needed further reiteration. "Promise me you'll make him only choose one."

"I promise" Renji said, half of him not believing what he had just gotten himself into.

She then held a true smile towards Renji and gingerly picked herself of off Renji's arm. She walked up to the door and looked at Renji one last time before bowing, then leaving quietly.

Renji remained seated, thinking about what had just happened. Although he knew he couldn't understand the pain she was feeling, she knew why she felt that way. He sighed.

_To only choose one ey? I should really stop giving away my promises like…_

Suddenly Byakuya entered the room, in a flash step. Renji opened his mouth in surprise at the man in front of him.

"Lets go, Abarai-kun."

He was wearing a pitch black suit with a white dress shirt underneath. He also wore sunglasses over his eyes. It was hard to admit, but this guy just looked… dazzling.

"W-Where are we going?" asked Renji as if greeted by an angel.

"Tonight… we are _going to go_ to the clubs" he said this in a very "Byakuya" way.

He then took off the glasses in enigmatic fashion.

* * *

><p><em>AN: When it comes to Japanese honorifics and just plain social etiquette, despite studying it, I'm as knowledgeable about it as *insert analogy here*. In a bad way… if I got some things wrong, it'd be cool if someone pointed them out. x)_

_Thanks for reading!_

_AND REVIEW!_

_-CrayonCalender_


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